I have this notion that there are a lot of people about who don't really think about the important things. It's too easy to get caught up "living", getting up going to work, playing sport, spending time with family, etc, and not think about why and how we do the things we do. And I think that's important.
Everyone wants to be happy. But how? Apparently having money, being skinny and being famous means you're a success. At least that's what our society raises up as success. But are you happy if you're a success??
Heck no. Just look at all the hollywood stars in rehab. Check out the successful AFL stars who's lives fall apart after finishing footy. Success and happiness aren't mutually inclusive. That doesn't mean you can't be successful and happy. But how do you go about being successful and happy?
I unfortunately don't have the answers. However, I am personally starting to get there. Here are some of my thoughts for being happy. Keep in mind this is from my life.
1. Take Responsibility For What You Can Control.... Yourself - I used to feel like a victim. In relationships, work, etc. Things were out of my control. I wasn't taking responsibility for me, the way I felt and acted. My mood, happiness, etc was dictated to me by others and events around me. I now take responsibility for what I can control - me, the way I act and feel. I have a sad feeling that there are plenty of people out in the world trapped by their inability to accept responsibility for themselves, like I was. If you are unhappy in a relationship, take responsibility for it. Either end the relationship or accept responsibility for doing something about it. The same holds if you are unhappy at work.
2. Don't Take Responsibility for Things You Can't Control - I also used to take responsibility for other people :). I'd feel it was my responsibility to make them better, to fix them. Pretty stupid. It was very stressful and a source of constant disappointment and unhappiness. I think taking responsibility for other people is like trying to control the weather or make a living off of gambling - a scary roller coaster ride ;). Now not taking responsibility for others doesn't mean not being caring and loving. In fact I think it often takes more love not to take responsibility for others.
3. Deal with the Bad and be Thankful for the Good - recently I've been more aware and thankful for all the good things in my life. I live in a great country, have a great job, lots of great friends, get to do lots of things I enjoy, etc. Bad things and stress still creep into my life (and lets face it unless you're dead they are going to) but even when I'm having a poo time, I am aware of how much is good. I think it helps me to be more realistic, to not focus on the bad things, to deal with them and move on. It means they don't drag you down. And who wants that?
4. Put Yourself First - After All You're Number One - This may sound a bit selfish, but I'm really beginning to think this is one of the most important things for people to accept. And I don't mean "stuff everyone else and get what you can because you're better than everyone else". I think we have to accept that we are human and we need to look after ourselves as a first priority. If you are heading towards self improvement and taking care of yourself it makes you much better at being able to help, care for and look after other people in a healthy and positive way. I used to prioritise looking after other people in my relationships (partly because I had insecurity issues). It isn't sustainable or realistic. If anyone ever tells you love is about sacrifice, or relationships are all about giving, etc, it's a lie. This is in my opinion over romanticised rubbish. ;) Putting yourself first doesn't mean always doing what you want, but what is best for you. There's a big difference.
5. Communicating with Yourself and Others - effective and honest communication is crucial for relationships. It's also crucial I think to communicate with yourself. I mean to think about what you want, how you feel, etc. Self reflection, prayer, or whatever you want to call it is crucial to self awareness, personal happiness and development.
All the above are things I am currently "living" to varying degrees of success. They are all pretty simple (at least to write or tell others about, if not live yourself sometimes) and they are all also inter-related. I haven't referred at all to God or religion yet, because I don't believe God or religion are pre-requisits for happiness. I know plenty of unhappy christians and plenty of happy athiests. Personally though I have found my spirituality to be important in my ongoing journey towards happiness.
How do you go about being happy?
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15 comments:
I mostly agree with your points, but I do struggle to grasp your point about 'your number 1'. Now, in saying this I think you have some good points within it. Our ability to care for others requires us to care for ourselves (and too many Christians don't do this). I suppose I question your assertion that 'happiness' is a key goal for our life.
I think being happy is a)very important and b)what we all strive for...I just question whether as a Christian it is our 'top' priority.
Matt 6:33 "But seek first the Kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all these things (our needs and in some cases desires) will be given you as well." Its not 'but seek first your own personal happiness and if everyone did this the world would be a better place
Also, I definately contest your point that "If anyone ever tells you love is about sacrifice, or relationships are all about giving, etc, it's a lie." This is not a 'romantic' notion at all but one littered throughout the bible, particularly at the cross.
If Christ did not sacrifice his life, his love for us would have been pointless. If Christ did not give his all, give up his place in heaven (for 33 years), and come to us to sacrifice himself, his love for us would have been pointless.
And, of course, though neither of us are 'really' qualified to comment (being unmarried men), every married couple I know who has divorced has done so because of either one or both parties being unwilling to sacrifice on something, where as so, so, so many married couples (very much including my parents) would say they are happy in their marriage BECAUSE they have, at times, sacrificed a dream, hope or aspiration to stay together, and that it is well worth it. You can say it is romantic rubbish if you like, but I'll take the word of the thousands of married couples.
Sorry for the tone of this comment...I suppose I am just slightly dumfounded as I didn't expect to something that, to be honest, sounds to me entirely OPPOSITE to the faith I believe in.
Otherwise, on the whole, I like your post:)
Hey Middo cheers for the frank comments. I understand your concerns. I'm still working through this stuff and I'll try to provide some comments ;)
Firstly I agree a)happiness is very important and we want it and b) we strive for it. In part my reason for blogging this topic was that many of us "strive" for happiness in very ineffective ways, which we'd probably/hopefully ditch if we had a real good think about it. As in my examples about fame and money. People incorrectly associate these with happiness. Look at many TV adverts. We're led to believe if we buy a certain soft drink we'll be happy. If we're keeping up with the Jones' by buying a shiny new BMW we'll be happy.
But it's a lie. A car can't make you happy. A soft drink can't make you happy. A wife or husband can't make you happy. The happiness we often appropriate to objects external to us surely comes from within.
Anywho...
The "you're number 1" one is a bit tricky, and I tend to think of this a little differently than it probably sounds.
Anyways, here goes.
Putting yourself first means striving to do what is best for yourself. And it doesn't (in my opinion) mean being selfish, greedy, etc. It doesn't mean having the most money, being popular, etc.
For example I don't believe that being greedy is healthy for people. We become slaves to money. So putting yourself first here means making sure you aren't controlled by money. The same holds for sex, power, etc.
So I feel it's a little different from what we tend to see in Western Society when we hear about putting yourself first. I think in today's society this notion of "you're number 1" is a bit perverted and is a lie. Most people aren't striving to do the best for themselves. I think that's why so many people are unhappy these days, despite at least the Western World being as wealthy as we ever have.
Gandhi is a favourite example of mine. He rejected personal possessions. He lived a very simple life compared to us and Western people of his day. Westerners and westernised Indians couldn't understand why with his power he chose to sacrifice all the good things of life, so he was a curiosity. But Gandhi was happy. It made sense to him to reject possessions and money, etc because he saw that they were burdens and enslaved people. He saw the damage they caused. He didn't see living simply as a sacrifice but as doing what was best for himself.
Another favourite of mine is Jesus. His teachings I believe are a guide to personal happiness. That doesn’t mean you’re going to have a smooth ride (just as Jesus and Gandhi didn’t have smooth untroubled lives). But I think it means you can be happy and fulfilled even if there is trouble, hardship, death, whatever.
Finally Sacrifice ;)
I don't think love is “about” sacrifice. To accommodate love sacrifice is sometimes required. But love isn't about sacrifice.
Marriage also isn't about sacrifice. If it was no one would get married, surely. People get married because it's beneficial for them. Now I know that sounds a little mean spirited maybe, but isn’t it realistic? Now I'm not throwing sacrifice out altogether. It is often required to maintain a good marriage (;) so I'm led to believe).
So Middo I spose my concern with romanticised "sacrifice" is a little technical with respect to general comments like marriage/love is "all about" sacrifice.
Now I have a question that you've raised.
Jesus' sacrifice. Would Jesus have seen his life and death as a sacrifice? I'm kind of relating this back to Gandhi and people thinking about how much he sacrificed, but from his point of view he wasn't so much.
Hmmm, I'll have a think.
cheers again for the comments Middo. That was a tough one. I hope it kind of makes sense. Let me know where I fell down ;)
ciao for now,
I think I get what you mean re: putting yourself first. Not necessarily saying “I’m better than you”, but “I, too, am a person of value”? If we don’t look after ourselves, it probably makes it harder to look after people around us, etc. “Love your neighbour AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF” implies that we should care for ourselves, as *well* as others. Makes me think of the whole notion of our bodies being temples, etc :)
I wouldn’t say that relationships are *all* about sacrifice, but I think there is an element of sacrifice involved. I guess this applies to friendships and romantic relationships – caring about someone else to the extent that you consider their needs/wants/aspirations, in addition to your own. Because we are not all designed exactly the same, from time to time, the other person’s ideas/wants/needs may be contrary to our own – which will require sacrifice, or compromise. However, in saying this, there has to be give and take. IMO, it’s not good for either party in a relationship to be a doormat.
Gandhi (along with Jesus, of course) rocks :) He is one of my personal favourites. I have read a couple of books about him recently, and his whole notion of non-violence (forget the Indian word for it!).
I think that Christ and Ghandi are excellent examples of what it means to love sacrificially. However, even though they made numerous sacrifices, they did it willingly, and not grudgingly. It was worth it for them to go through pain and suffering because there was a purpose to it. It wasn’t just about them being doormats :) There's a difference between loving sacrifice with a purpose and doormat sacrifice without a purpose.
“How do you go about being happy?”
I like to do things I enjoy –– dancing, gym, etc. Keeping active makes me feel good. Probably the whole thing about exercise releasing endorphins. I find nature quite relaxing too and like classical music (lol a librarian who likes classical music – I sound like such an old fart, heh). Taking time to catch up with friends and family. Praying about stuff helps me too. Trying to surrender stuff to God rather than take it on myself. That’s a work in progress :) Watching comedies and reading uplifting stuff makes me happy too.
Hey Jodie, thanks for understanding ;). As said I'm sti working through it and trying to communicate it :).
Wow. You're a fan of Jesus and Gandhi too! Sweet! And there is nothing wrong with being a librarian or enjoying classical music. Oooh and I totally get the gym/sport activity thing. Love it.
I also agree (this is starting to sound a bit scary. I'm agreeing with you too much ;) about praying. I started this recent part of my journey by watching the Gandhi movie and making time to pray each night and be thankful and read my bible more regularly.
Anyways cheers for the comments and thanks for the little insight into Jodie ;)
In retrospect I think the name of the that fourth point could do with some reworking ;)
Maybe call it "Love yourself and do the best for youself". That makes it sound a little less selfishly egotistical..... at least a little.
Your clarifications make sense:P
I almost left a disclaimer at the end of my post saying "I respect your right to work through the issue" as it is also what i do! Sometimes what I post and what I actually believe don't line up exactly until I then have to make a follow up comment:D
I very much see what your saying now, thanks for your clarifications.
Now, on the point about Jesus. I think he did see it as a sacrifice...but one that he was willing to make (like in marriage, as you so rightly point out. There is sacrifice, but the love isnt ABOUT it, it just flows in it because it is worth it)
I think of Matt 26:36-44 where 3 times Jesus prayed to God to 'let this cup be taken away from me'. Then he says 'but I want your will not mine'. Now if that is not sacrifice, then what is? He knew what was coming and it scared him! It burdened him. He wanted to not have to do it if there was ANY possibility but at the same time, was willing to sacrifice HIS will so God's will could be done.
All for now! Bless ya bro.
low and behold, one of the articles I just read for one of my units (biblical ethics...ICK!) talked about this very idea.
"Jesus dies not because he loved sacrifice (although his death certainly involved his self-sacrifice), but because he wanted to free us from our bondage." (Stassen & Gushee, "Kingdom Ethics: Following Jesus in contemporary context" 2003, pg 366)
It was self-sacrifice, it was sacrificial love...but it was worth it for the outcome:)
Hey Pete,
I noticed on your profile that you are a tennis fan. Do you have a favourite player?
I think “ahimsa” is the Indian word for non-violence that I couldn’t think of. Yeah I’m guilty of not reading my bible enough too. It’s something I’m currently trying to work on.
Hey Jodie, oh love tennis. I've been playing more than watching recently. I enjoy watching Federer and Nadal cause they are great players but I must say there's something about them so I don't really "like" them as such. Maybe they're too good for me to like or something. I do like Roddick though, I think he's funny (maybe embaracingly I actually like Lleyton - I think he reminds me of me a bit). I love little dellaqua cause she's so aussie and honest :)
How bout you? & Do you play?
Got any recommended reading on Gandhi? I'm gonna have to do a post on my fav Gandhi quotes. I have a little note book I've written them in ;) (Nerd!)
Oh and do you play a muscial instrument at all???
:)
Go Casey Dellaqua! Def my new fav:D And I have to admit, as much as he has annoyed me...I have always liked Hewitt. Chris Guccione isn't too bad either, hopefully he can come on a bit. And WHY did Rafter retire so young!
Yeah...I'm slightly a tennis fan too:P Like Pete more playing it, but I like to watch it as well. Looking forward to the season starting in Oct! I haven't played 'regularly' for a few years but hope to get back into it this season. I need to play regularly to do any good cause I lose my touch SOOO easily!
Let us know if you're up in the big smaoke and need someone to hit a ball at Middo ;)
Didn't even realise this blog thread was still active!
I rather like Federer, I think he proves that you can be a good player without being obnoxious. Roddick is hell funny - he has some really good quips at the journos at the post match press conferences. And Middo - I agree with your comments about Casey. She is just so lovely and unpretentious.
I do play from time to time.
Have been through musical instrument phases. Went through a rather brief guitar one when I was going to be the next female Bob Dylan, hehe.
Took drum lessons for a couple of years I think when I was about 18 but didn't ever play in a band. Had my drum kit stored in a wardrobe until recently when I got rid of it - I wasn't playing it but didn't quite have the heart to get rid of it until not long ago :)
Oh and in response to your Gandhi book question, one that I read a little while ago is called "Gandhi on non-violence". Edited by Thomas Merton. (ISBN: 9780811216869). Is more of a collection of Gandhi quote with a preface at the start. And it has a green cover.
:) that's cute. You gave the ISBN hehehe.
:) Spot the library-nerd!
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